[* ~Mew Mew Paradise~ *] ~ Where the light shines the brightest and darkness fades from your hearts...
Friday, August 22, 2008
Some thoughts
Well, these few days Ive been down, but I dunno why. Maybe because I feel kinda lonely without my friends with me. At my work place I kinda feel like im out of place. Strange enough, and real bad, I find myself closer to the assistant manager than the other waitresses...
Many things happened... And set me thinking. Other people might think nothing of such things but somehow, Im very sensitive to it. Im very sensitive about people around me... I always hold back when i feel like talking to people. I start to feel that I dont know how to respond to other people when talking... I start to feel like im closing myself in... And I find it hard to start a conversation with my colleagues now. Why is that? I can talk normally with Jessica, Wan Ling, Teng Chong... Eileen and Jeanette I still converse abit, but somehow I dun feel comfortable talking to Shina. I tried many times, but I dun seem to have anything to talk about with her.
Working also made me think about alot of things... I always felt that I cant do anything useful. I always have the feeling Im never doing anything right. This makes me very sensitive to how others think of me. Well, maybe this is normal, but I've been told by my parents many times I was useless. I always think it might very well be true. Theres so many things that I dont know and cant do well... I sort of have a negative thinking of myself. My parents always said I will always be a follower, a person who will never be able to lead anyone - a person who will only follow orders. I seldom have anything to be proud of. However, now, teaching guzheng made me feel less invisible and made me feel that I have a value. Working at MOF also made me feel more alive. I get to interact with customers and experience what working in a restaurant is like. My purpose for working is just to gain experience, learn how to interact with other people, how to handle difficult customers, have more time with Khai Sing, and at the same time gain a little extra cash. Because I really am sensitive of what people think of me, I really do work hard... Only that I lack stamina.
Thats why I really am very sensitive when people reprimand me. I dont make much mistakes in the starting because Im unsure of lots of stuff and for everything I ask. But it seems I ask too much and made people irritated, even my best friend... and I got really upset about it.
Then when Im so much more familiar, I some how made more mistakes. Im getting really tired. I dun have enough rest. And I really do dislike people thinking that I have many "Off days" and stuff when I actually dont. And I feel even worse now that people are telling me off for my mistakes. I know it might be for my own good. I acknowledge my mistakes and I know very well that I made them and Im trying REAL HARD not to make it. But still...
I am a person who actually looks more at the good side of a person instead of their bad side. But Im a person who actually looks for inner qualities such as helpfulness, kindness, caring, friendliness, understanding etc instead of independence, initiative, capability etc... Maybe thats why I feel weak. People usually choose friends who has a close character as themselves. I do not really like proud people who likes taking authority or control. I do know that sometimes these people just have this character in them. They like everything to be in order and hates people with no capability or people who are slower. Maybe because I feel that Im in the latter, thats why I dislike people like that.
One day I heard a conversation from our customer. She tells her friend that some one was not up to standard in his work. But her colleague(who is in charge) did not tell him off. Asking why, her colleague says that it is not Very good but is not bad either, and that she is looking at his good qualities instead of bad qualities. She tells her friend that this colleague can never lead anyone with her character. If its not good, you should tell him its not good. How can you look at the good qualities and determine that its not bad? She will never lead when shes so soft.
Is this true? I dunno... but somehow, Im more towards the 'disagree' side. How about you?
